Reflection- Fourth of July Ponderings and Wonderings

So, I kind of left you in a lurch last time I wrote and I apologize. There was too much to unpack in one blog post and I was still processing it all myself. I'll get to that in a bit, but I want to get to the title of my Fourth of July post.

If I am being honest, I sometimes struggle with having an undivided heart. You see, something that was greatly instilled in me as a child, in addition to following Jesus, was having a deep sense of Patriotism.  Both of my grandfathers were integral parts of this sense of Patriotism as they served our country so bravely and nearly sacrificially because they believe in something better and that was freedom that the USA poured into them. They pursued careers and worked hard their entire existence. Today, I see so much of that forgotten and to be real it infuriates me. My mind has always been black and white when it comes to these ideas. But, I digress, you might wonder what that has to do with having an undivided heart and rightly so. So here's my point- I viewed my passion for Christ and for my Country in separate boxes. I was often divided about what Christ says and what my deep seeded Patriotism tells me is so. 
Now before you go crazy, let me say that I know Christ wins and that's where my focus should be, however I've come to concede a different view. 

I live under the flag of Christ and under the flag of Christ there are many nations. God places passions and pursuits within us and they are not wrong- as long as your eyes and heart are not on them as your guide. If these ideas are held under the umbrella/flag of Christ as part of who you are, they are not wrong. Your heart belonging to Christ, can have different views and if they are not under the law of Christ- Christ will change them. If I am also being honest, I have been working on surrendering all things to this and accepting some things as part of who I am and that they are beautiful to Christ because I am accepting who I am in Him. Then I heard a song, a beautiful song called Undivided by Hannah Kerr, that reminded me where my focus should always be:


"I wont stand here before you and lift my hands in vain 
when I worship 
my heart wont sing any other name 
you're my focus 
my anchor 
the anthem of my soul 
I'm undivided 
I'm undivided"

God dropped this into my heart and wow, I was reminded of what truly is important- surrendering all the things we don't understand and all the the things that God creates in us and allows us to be opens us up to true freedom. Freedom-  after all that's what we all seek in our hearts- the freedom of knowing we belong to a nation, a King much Greater. I for one am grateful that we live in a country where we are freely allowed to celebrate these truths. That, my friends, is a blessing that only God can provide. Oh, how He loves us!! Happy Fourth of July and God Bless!

Summer Dreams, Schemes, and Schedules

Most people outside the education world, find themselves jealously coveting a summer schedule such as ones that a teacher has- thinking it is free from work and full of play. Funny thing is while there is time for play and I don't have to get up at the crack of dawn for work, there is plenty of work to be done. Things that I relegate for the summer thinking that I will have plenty of time to do it, but often it's too long to even attempt to finish. Right now, I currently have three separate lists going- one for work, one for personal, and one for projects for my apartment. Summer is a delicate balance for me to keep busy enough, but allow myself the rest the 10 hour days, some nights, and weekends the school year has exhausted me into. 

For me though, summer is often the Devil's playground. I have a love, hate relationship with it. It's often during this time that I am faced with realities in my life that I try desperately to avoid. During summer, I often fend off bouts of anxiety and depression, which the Devil knows full well is where he can prey. A few weeks of vacation has been perfect, but the extended time- well it often reeks havoc on my spirit. So here we are three weeks in, my usual tipping point, but I find myself incredibly relaxed. I have a few health issues to deal with but my summer is tapered with long weekends and appointments during the week that too much idleness hasn't been a problem as of yet. 

In all this transparency, I must tell you this though, I started out my summer much differently than normal. On mission in Detroit with 25+ teenagers. I had no idea what I was getting into to be honest- I had never been on mission as a leader- just as a member of the team. The transformation of my spirit and the hearts of these students- wow! I was just amazed at what God could accomplish in such a short time. Over the next few entries- I'll be sharing with you those things and I can't wait! 

Identity

We get so wrapped in the things we do, that we miss out on who we are or temporarily lose sight of that. I know I do and sometimes it gets so far away from us that it is so time consuming and frustrating to figure out again that we avoid it and throw ourselves into things that don't matter. It leaves us feeling empty-  incredibly empty. I've always struggled with knowing my identity- my walk with Christ is different that most- everyone's is, but it still doesn't mean that I don't get caught up in comparing my walk with others. I don't have a story that is trans-formative in a moment- my story has happened over time, as Jesus intended, as He knows my spirit responds to.

The thing about it is - is that I don't always know my place because I don't experience God like others do and that consequently makes me feel that I don't know Him. The thing about God is though that He knows how my mind works- how my spirit responds to Him best. It can't be overwhelmed, it just has to be nudged. I would love to say that I want to be like Jesus all day, every day, but the truth is I really don't always want to avoid being involved in a conversation about things that frustrate me and express my frustration or gossip about the latest thing. I would love to say that I am good at forgiving people and willingly do so, I would even love to say that I love to go to church all the time, but the reality is that I don't. I sometimes feel that I am in a stalemate with God- not wanting to change, not letting him change me. I am a curmudgeon a fair amount of the time about life, despite my own redemption and salvation.

The thing about God that is cool though is that He waits. He waits anyways- in our grip ridden, curmudgeon-y states. He sends us gentle reminders of who we really are that get lost in the world that we stay in here on earth. When our eyes are fixed on here (and let's face it- it's mostly fixed on here), we lose our identity. Who we are becomes what we do or what we are to others, but that's not who we are. How humbling that in Psalms it says that our names are engraved on His hands... engraved? Not just sketched or written, but engraved for all eternity. Permanent. Done. Psalms also says that we are knitted together in our mother's womb- not just thrown together, lumped together, but carefully planned and intricately knitted- that takes time- that takes purpose- that takes love. So every day, when we get caught up in our to do lists, chores, jobs, roles- let us remember this. God loves us and has shown us so- even if you don't feel it or see it. He does. That gives peace. That gives life. That gives hope. That gives us a future. That's enough. That's enough on the most curmudgeon-y of days. Despite all of the things that hold me back, I am finally realizing that it's okay to be my beautiful, redeemed, imperfect curmudgeoned self.

Thanks for listening- thanks for reading- thanks for being who God made you- it's beautifully perfect, even when it doesn't feel that way.

Love you all!

Waiting Rooms

It seems as though our life is constantly being waited out in the waiting rooms of life. Out of one waiting room and into the other. I don't know about you but I hate it. I've been in one waiting room for the majority of my adult life to see what God's going to do and most of the time I am okay with it, but I certainly am in a season of restlessness right now. Waiting to see who God has for me to go on this journey with, if there is anyone at all. To be honest it's just frustrating mostly. In those seasons, I tend to avoid God and anything that reminds me of Him. I distract myself with meaningless things. There, I said it. I think if we are honest though, we all get that way too.

The waiting room- though- isn't that what our whole life is about waiting for the eternal glory that awaits us? The waiting rooms we sit here in earth are just spots along the way until we are, as it says in Thessalonians "caught up in the clouds to meet with the Lord in the air... to live with Him Forever." So if you think about it, the smaller waiting rooms here are just hiccups in the much bigger waiting room.

I was reading through my last blog post- two years ago- yikes!- and I see a pattern, but in that post- I was reminded that I was not meant to live this ordinary life- that I am too special for that. We all are though- we are set apart! Recently, though I have forgotten how special I am to Him and how it's okay to be all the things that I am. So in a process of self-discovery- I am getting back to my roots. My writing. It always brings me the solace and peace when I share my heart with others. Christians don't live this perfect life- we are not absent of sin, of  failing- we just know who covers it all and rest in that. For the life of me, I don't want to life outside of that. I struggle though with where I am in my walk but I God keeps reminding me that I am focusing on things that I am not- It's hard not to get wrapped up in that.

So again, in my nearly late thirties, I am discovering myself again and you get a small glimpse of the journey. Lucky you!  I want to be completely transparent with you and say that I will be faithful in taking  you through this journey with me, but life happens. I can only hope to share with you the process along the way.  Until next time....

When God Speaks to Your Heart

Whew... it's been a whirlwind of weddings, meetings, and work the last SEVERAL weeks that I have been seriously slacking on sharing my heart with you guys. You can go ahead and call me a slacker- I'm okay with it. :)

God's been doing a lot of amazing things that I wish I could have a million pages to share with you because even that would not be enough to show the way He's been working center stage and behind the scenes. But in true fashion, God has His perfect timing, I'm not where I want to be yet, but I can definitely see things playing out in way that I had never expected. 

Recently, I've been praying a lot about surrendering and asking God to give me all of Him. I've been telling Him I want more of Him, to know more deeply how He loves me, how special I am to Him, to bring me the challenging stuff, I just want more. Sometimes I feel that we all feel like that we move closer to God then backwards a bit, it's perfectly natural. There's no shame in that, however, sometimes we get to a point where we know that we want more.

For me it's been about not just wanting more of Him, but wanting less of me. To have His truths so deeply planted in my heart that I could hear and know who He is and what He says about me and what He has done for me. 

Last night, I was at Bible Study and we were discussing surrender. One of the questions was, how much do we trust God and have we surrendered ourselves to the story He is writing for us. I really thought I had surrendered myself to the life God was writing for me, about the fact that my story was going to look and be different than what 'normal' was. You know, marriage, family, etc. on a certain time table... but I got really emotional about it. I don't know where it came from, but there I was, crying my ugly cry in front of my sweet small group girls. I really have been content with the way my life is for quite some time, but God was calling something much deeper out of me that I realized I hadn't surrendered. That my sweet spirit was still quite hurt and sad and sort of in mourning for a life that I had planned, but I hadn't let myself be any of those things.

Then in a way I have never really experienced before, God spoke to my spirit about those feelings. In my car, on my way to a job that I was praying to make glorious from mundane, my spirit heard, 

You are too special to live an 'ordinary' life

and in nearly the same breath, 

You don't have to be enough because I am enough

I've always wanted to just be a part of things, not the center of them, but those words spoken so deeply into my heart took such root and gave me such peace about the life I have and that God is writing. I'm not kidding you when I say that I have rarely felt a truth drop into my heart so strongly as I did in that moment (besides when Jesus' Truth dropped into my heart) and believed it so fully. I truly believe that it was because I was willing and open to hear it, surrendering takes all of you and it has to be something you do daily. I am not the best at it, I still am selfish and learning the value of it. 

It is my prayer that you know MORE about the Living God... that if you don't know Him, that you will, when your heart is open and ready to receive it.

The Art of Lent

For so many years, I misunderstood what the actual purpose of Lent was. I did the traditional things that I was taught because I was taught to do them, not entirely because I knew why. It wasn't until I was at least 30 that I had a grasp of why and I'm really still learning. So this blog post is going to be about what I know and believe to be true about the time of Lent.

Entering into a time of prayer, fasting, or whatever you chose to diminish for the time period of 40 days- has to be done with intent and for the right reason. If you choose to give up something it should be something that is truly hindering your walk with Christ. The season of Lent's purpose of fasting and abstinence is meant to draw you closer to the Lord, not just a way to lose a few pounds.

Now, I have given up things like Facebook and Starbucks in the past. If you know me at all, you know I'm a sucker for scrolling down the News Feed that is the time-suck called Facebook or that I can't refuse a Chai Tea Latte. For me, at the time, these things were prevalent enough to me and were distracting me from honoring God with my time and my money.

Now, in the past few years, I've changed my mentality as not one of what I am taking or sacrificing, but adding something that will replace my old worldly habits and turn them into more Christ like habits. This year, to be honest, Lent snuck up on me. I wasn't quite prepared as I have been to choose what habits I would add during this time. To  be honest, I felt like I had been changing my habits and mindset for quite a while, so honing in on one, well, that was tough.

Probably, the greatest thing that I still have a hard time surrendering is my finances. It's hard to not think that about how my dollar is going to last during this lean year. Yet, it has. So, in an attempt to change my view of my finances- I've taken on a attitude of poverty. My focus is simply this: that every time that I wonder or try understand how God is going to provide for me- I remind myself that I have everything that I need. Sure, I'd like that new dress or a new pair of boots- but do I need them? Is having those things going to bring me closer to Christ? I'm not going to lie- it has been difficult, but it is amazing to see what you do have, when you stop focusing on what you don't.

I've also decided to add in a reading of the New Testament during these 46 days and yes, I'm already behind, but I know God honors my efforts and graces me with a new day to begin again.

So, no matter what you have chosen to give up, sacrifice, or add- I pray that it draws you closer to the one who added Himself to this earth to be sacrificed for us all.

Protecting Your Path

Since moving back home last July, I took a break from the church searching- just attending sporadically. God fed me spiritually despite my lack of interest in being spiritually fed. I think that I just spent so much time searching for a place that felt like a church home in Charleston, that my spirit just needed to regroup and refocus on what I really wanted in a church body. After all, I had just completely rip the cord from old life and stepped into a new one. To say that I was overwhelmed, well, that was an understatement. 

Last September/October, I began to feel my way back into the church body, by joining a small group of ladies that in which one of my best friends was a part. Re-ignition was taking place, but I still attended church out of when I felt I needed to go, rather than making it a priority. 

In January, I decided to make a commitment to attend church on a regular basis. My parents attended church in Suwanee that I began joining them at, along with my brother. While I wasn't sure that I wanted to call this place home just yet, I enjoyed going and reconnecting with my roots. 

Attending church with your parents, it is much different as an adult than when you are a child, but as an adult you notice things about your parents and their faith that you may have never noticed. For example, the value of commitment, hard-work, service, investing in your church and its future, and developing relationships, among others. It is these simple things that are at the cornerstone of belief in Christ as our Creator. It is from the belief in Him and sharing Him that all of these things come to fruition.

It used to be that I would think, oh, I wish I had had more boyfriends or I had experienced things that other people experienced. I used to think I was missing out. Lately, I have come to realize that all of these things were kept from me in the light of the protection God has evidently placed on my life. I may experience life in a different way because God knows what I can handle. He is my Protector. So now, when I hear about people experiencing things both good and bad that I haven't, I am completely at peace in the knowledge that my Protector knows better than me about what is right for me. Some people know there path from an early age and others God reveals later and at a more leisurely pace that we can handle. I don't know my path, but I'm certain my Protector has paved a way for me to get there, if I just let Him do it. 

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."- Acts 20:24

Today,  the pastor was discussing the "Seven Highly Effective Habits of Christians" in Acts Chapter 20, in relation to Paul's final journey to spread the gospel.  One that we must know is that we are all ministers of the Gospel, no one is greater than the last, as well as the fact is our job to choose to grow in faith and minister to the groups God has called us to minister. If you have children, nieces/nephews, younger siblings, coach a team, or whatever other group you might lead, the Holy Spirit has called us to lead and minister to them. I feel honored to have a new group of people that God has called me into ministry for- my new sisters in my small group. I can only trust that as I choose to keep watch of my faith, that He will equip me to minister to them, as they will to me. 

"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood"- Acts 20:28