Identity

We get so wrapped in the things we do, that we miss out on who we are or temporarily lose sight of that. I know I do and sometimes it gets so far away from us that it is so time consuming and frustrating to figure out again that we avoid it and throw ourselves into things that don't matter. It leaves us feeling empty-  incredibly empty. I've always struggled with knowing my identity- my walk with Christ is different that most- everyone's is, but it still doesn't mean that I don't get caught up in comparing my walk with others. I don't have a story that is trans-formative in a moment- my story has happened over time, as Jesus intended, as He knows my spirit responds to.

The thing about it is - is that I don't always know my place because I don't experience God like others do and that consequently makes me feel that I don't know Him. The thing about God is though that He knows how my mind works- how my spirit responds to Him best. It can't be overwhelmed, it just has to be nudged. I would love to say that I want to be like Jesus all day, every day, but the truth is I really don't always want to avoid being involved in a conversation about things that frustrate me and express my frustration or gossip about the latest thing. I would love to say that I am good at forgiving people and willingly do so, I would even love to say that I love to go to church all the time, but the reality is that I don't. I sometimes feel that I am in a stalemate with God- not wanting to change, not letting him change me. I am a curmudgeon a fair amount of the time about life, despite my own redemption and salvation.

The thing about God that is cool though is that He waits. He waits anyways- in our grip ridden, curmudgeon-y states. He sends us gentle reminders of who we really are that get lost in the world that we stay in here on earth. When our eyes are fixed on here (and let's face it- it's mostly fixed on here), we lose our identity. Who we are becomes what we do or what we are to others, but that's not who we are. How humbling that in Psalms it says that our names are engraved on His hands... engraved? Not just sketched or written, but engraved for all eternity. Permanent. Done. Psalms also says that we are knitted together in our mother's womb- not just thrown together, lumped together, but carefully planned and intricately knitted- that takes time- that takes purpose- that takes love. So every day, when we get caught up in our to do lists, chores, jobs, roles- let us remember this. God loves us and has shown us so- even if you don't feel it or see it. He does. That gives peace. That gives life. That gives hope. That gives us a future. That's enough. That's enough on the most curmudgeon-y of days. Despite all of the things that hold me back, I am finally realizing that it's okay to be my beautiful, redeemed, imperfect curmudgeoned self.

Thanks for listening- thanks for reading- thanks for being who God made you- it's beautifully perfect, even when it doesn't feel that way.

Love you all!

Waiting Rooms

It seems as though our life is constantly being waited out in the waiting rooms of life. Out of one waiting room and into the other. I don't know about you but I hate it. I've been in one waiting room for the majority of my adult life to see what God's going to do and most of the time I am okay with it, but I certainly am in a season of restlessness right now. Waiting to see who God has for me to go on this journey with, if there is anyone at all. To be honest it's just frustrating mostly. In those seasons, I tend to avoid God and anything that reminds me of Him. I distract myself with meaningless things. There, I said it. I think if we are honest though, we all get that way too.

The waiting room- though- isn't that what our whole life is about waiting for the eternal glory that awaits us? The waiting rooms we sit here in earth are just spots along the way until we are, as it says in Thessalonians "caught up in the clouds to meet with the Lord in the air... to live with Him Forever." So if you think about it, the smaller waiting rooms here are just hiccups in the much bigger waiting room.

I was reading through my last blog post- two years ago- yikes!- and I see a pattern, but in that post- I was reminded that I was not meant to live this ordinary life- that I am too special for that. We all are though- we are set apart! Recently, though I have forgotten how special I am to Him and how it's okay to be all the things that I am. So in a process of self-discovery- I am getting back to my roots. My writing. It always brings me the solace and peace when I share my heart with others. Christians don't live this perfect life- we are not absent of sin, of  failing- we just know who covers it all and rest in that. For the life of me, I don't want to life outside of that. I struggle though with where I am in my walk but I God keeps reminding me that I am focusing on things that I am not- It's hard not to get wrapped up in that.

So again, in my nearly late thirties, I am discovering myself again and you get a small glimpse of the journey. Lucky you!  I want to be completely transparent with you and say that I will be faithful in taking  you through this journey with me, but life happens. I can only hope to share with you the process along the way.  Until next time....