Thank Me, Pilgrim!

I've noticed something about myself, perhaps something that I have known all along, but never really dealt with how to release myself from it. It's the need for busy-ness. I feel that I can only feel accomplished in a day if the task on my do list are ticked off and I've been "doing stuff", especially when there is this worldly pressure that I should be doing way more than I am.

Every day, I wake up and think: now, what will I accomplish today. Into my sixth week of unemployment with the daily applications, several times a week networking, and still nothing, I wonder how anyone can be content with this road. Yet, despite the enormous amount of pressure I feel from those around me and most importantly me (believe me I am the worst), I hear God whispering rest. Take each day and the things I put on your heart and do them. At night before you sleep, even if you don't have a job yet, reflect on the things that you have done, big and small and be thankful.

Thank Me that I am teaching you to trust me in every moment.
Thank Me that you are seeing how very present I am.
Thank Me for being the one who fulfills every moment and ordains everything in the perfect time.
Thank Me for allowing you the courage to take this risk. Thank me for rising you out of the ordinary.
Thank Me for growing you even when you don't realize it and don't see it.
Thank Me for preparing you for a future much different than you imagined.
Thank Me for allowing your gifts to surface and your passion ignite.
Thank Me for things happening today, just as I intended.

My sweet friend sent me a message this morning- a quote from Brennan Manning that was right on target:

 

"The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”

 

God has signaled me into this movement and phase, maybe He's signaling you and you don't even realize it. So often God speaks to us in a small voice that we can only recognize as His because it is contrary to what everything around us is saying. So, lay your head down tonight and say thank you, thank you for anything so that your spirit can be one that acknowledges that it is He who is the Center. We're not going to be perfect at it, but there is grace in that.

 

Blessings on you all.

 

 

Permission to Rest

A wise friend of mine told me today, that it was okay to slack off for a day. That was exactly what I needed to hear since I was feeling especially unaccomplished today. 

I have made it a goal to apply for or to do at least one thing job related a day. If you have been looking for a job at all lately, you realize that applying for one job a day is a task in of itself. Monday and Tuesday, amidst applying for other jobs, I worked on a resume for non-profit work- a specific job that I felt sure that I had an edge on. Only come to find out they are not hiring for the position right now. Well, mark that off my list for now...

Yesterday, I attended a job fair. Those of you that know me, know that talking to people that I don't know, in uncomfortable surroundings, well, makes me a little anxious. It seems as though, these days, you have to go and meet people to get even a foot in the door. So I went, with many of your prayers, which were greatly appreciated, and exceeded my goal of meeting with more than five vendors. I followed up on some leads and applied for a few more temporary positions yesterday afternoon and evening, then one this morning. 

Writing this all down, it is good, it makes me realize I actually have done something today, this week. So even when it seems like the pickings are slim for work to be done, give yourself permission to rest. The rest times make the horizon ahead seem more bearable, this mile of life's journey filled with possibility. It makes you realize that something good is coming. The good things God is preparing you for in the mean time. 

Possibilities and Positivity

The Honeymoon is over. 

The thrill of moving and getting settled in a new routine, well I'm over it. I'm over the unscheduled days and my empty wallet. It's easy to be open to possibility and be positive- Initially. But what about over the long haul? 

I am realizing the greater need for my time in the Word and in prayer. It has become an essential part of my sanity. In a time when uncertainty is in every second, the Lord provides peace. There becomes less worry- of which I am known for. In every second, I sit and write and read, a peace essentially laid upon me. I am in my zone. This is a constant practice though, not one that my earthly spirit is akin to and its a second by second battle. 

Today, I read my Joyce Meyer devotional and it focused on our need to carry burdens or to do lots of "work". The verse was from Numbers and God is speaking to Moses about letting Him share the burden:

" I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the Power of the Spirit that is on You and out it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that  you will not carry it alone." -Numbers 11:17

God can carry our burdens, but we have to release them to Him. That for me is the very struggle that God is taking me through. So, since my head knowledge became heart knowledge, His truth is taking root. The truth about appreciating the person God made me to be and the grace to make mistakes. 

On the job front, lots of doors opening to possibilities. Please pray for peace in each step and the Will of God to become evident to me. Thank you for sharing in my journey. 

________________________________________________________________________
Aside:

I might just turn into a blogging queen. Well, maybe not queen, but princess status for sure. During a relaxing weekend in the mountains, my brother and I came up with an idea for another blog about hiking. Now, I, being the writer and a fairly novice outdoorsman  wanted to funnel my brother's extensive hiking knowledge and passion into a service of some kind for other hikers. 

Like I said, I am not the outdoorsman that I would like to be, but my brother and I enjoy exploring the North Georgia Mountains together when we can. When I suggested the blog, he instantly became excited about it. We spent the better part of our Saturday hike on Big Cedar Mountain discussing titles and names, as well as discussing what we would include on it. 

Now, I won't abandon my current blog, but I am excited about my new endeavor with my brother. Stay tuned for information about that. Well, that being said I guess I better get my hiking shoes on!

Reset

So, I have to admit something to you. The last week or so, I have succumbed to discouragement and disillusionment more times than I would like to admit. The honeymoon is over. Money is running out, so therefore, I am running out of time.  It's not like I've just been sitting around, I have been busy and working hard at finding a job, it's just not happening the way I had planned, thought, or envisioned it.

If you notice, the pronoun "I" was used quite frequently in that entire last paragraph. There's the problem, I've become frustrated, annoyed, worried, fearful, and most any other word you can think of like it that it's become about what "I" can do within my power and less about what God can do. In order to switch the focus from me, God was directing me to a reset. Resetting my eyes on my goals and more importantly Him.

Several of my friends have been posting things on Facebook called scripture doodles, which are basically rewriting the scripture, but adding pictures and doodles to it. First, I thought it was just cool, but then I began doing it. It's much more powerful than I realized. You are thinking about each and every word in the scripture, all the while God is revealing deeper meaning and the words then come alive.

I have done two more general scripture doodles on the past few weeks about Who God Is and Who I am, taking various scriptures and adding to them as I read the Word. Today, I read two very separate Scriptures, one from Psalms and one from Ezekiel. It's only now that I am looking at my completed scripture doodles, that I realize how closely related they are to me and to my current situation. I love it when God works that way. Now, I'm no artist, but here you go:

 

In continuously surrendering and letting go of what I can do, I can let the Spirit lead me where ever He would have me go. It's funny how we think it's funny that God reveals Himself in a certain way, when He really has no limits. If you need a reset, don't be afraid to take it, it will prove God faithful and your spirit will be renewed to continue on your journey.

 

Thank you for your continued prayers. They are much appreciated and may God Bless you on your journey as well.

Bittersweetness

It's been a few days since I posted- visiting with family and friends- but still I head to bed tonight with mixed emotions.

Tomorrow, my fellow teachers head back to the school to begin preparing for a new school year. It feels weird to not be preparing too. I wonder about who will take my place, how she will care for the library that I built, if she will think I did a good job, and most importantly what my kids will say when I'm not the one that greets them in the library next week? Will they think that I abandoned them? No doubt they will be upset, but then the new babies won't even know me. These are the thoughts that are racing through my head tonight. For those of you picking up the pieces, please know I did the best that I could and thank you for being my teachers.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that my decision was the right one. New possibilities are opening up all around me, but it just became real. It's bittersweet really, but I am extremely grateful. Grateful for the end of a journey and the in-between is becoming sweeter, because I am finally at a place where I am becoming confident in who I am.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have been given by all the teachers, students, administrators, and colleagues. I could never say that enough. My heart has been filled in ways I could never imagine. I will be praying for you daily as you settle in for the next leg of the race. Much love to you all!

Head to Heart

For those you that have had part in my glorious journey in this life, I am incredibly thankful to God for you all. You have had part in the laying of the groundwork for this very day. I cannot question the past and God's indelible hand on it. I also cannot question my incredible quest to know God and have a relationship with Him.

For many of you, you know that I have been in church since birth. I have always found my place there and in anything relating to the knowledge of Him. On the outside, I have been the sweet, nice, Christian girl my entire life. I know the Word and in some part of me believed in it all too.

In the last five years, God has been pressing on my heart to know Him and develop a relationship with Him. I have been resistant, afraid of what it looks like to completely give my life away. I have been convincing myself that I did have a relationship with Him, when all that I really have had is knowledge of Him.

So this morning, as I read my Newspring Devotional-
http://newspring.cc/blog/devotionals/knowing-him/

It talked about a man named Cornelius, who was very religious, generous, and prayerful, but did not God in his heart. That there was a man, Peter, who came and preached to him and He began to know Him.

If that wasn't enough, I then watched a video of my Pastor's wife's salvation story:
http://newspring.cc/blog/stories/lucretia-noble/

She talked about how much she knew the bible, who God was, but that she didn't know Him in her heart.

That was all I needed today. I prayed the prayer that I have prayed what seems like a thousand times before, but today was different. I was certain of the date that my head knowledge became imbedded in my heart- August 7, 2013.

I have served in the ministry for most of my life, but today it became real. If I have ministered to you sometime in my life, I must press upon you, my ministering came from the Word and it's indelible truth. God has been using me, even in my head knowledge. Thank you all for sharing a part in the journey- I am grateful that God has placed such an indelible hand on my life and the path up until this date.

The song that comes to mind is Britt Nicole's All This Time:

"All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooh, oh, oohh
Ooh, oh, oohh
You've been walking with me all this time"

My prayer journal is full of Yays!!

Meh

Today was meh. I heard that word "meh" on a tv show and thought it aptly described this day.  Though it is not a word in the dictionary, one can only guess what that may mean, but I describe it as nothing happened or is happening that particularly excites me. We've all had "meh" days, when whatever we had planned, it happened on much less grandeur scale, if at all. 

Often times, I get harangued about not being a planner. I've come to realize that this is why: plans often disappoint me. I place expectations in plans that may not be met and therefore I become frustrated. So it occurred to me today in the complete "meh" moments of life, even when I don't want to, that I have to redirect that expectation to the ultimate planner. He already knows the plan for every second of my life so why do I need to plan for it and ultimately be upset about the way I thought things should be.

Frustration and disappointment also make way for something much bigger- growth and dependence on Him. Every time I say or think the words I can't, I'm not, or I don't know how, it's an opportunity for my Father to break down the walls and draw me in.

So, it's okay to have "meh" days, be frustrated and disappointed, for they all work out for the greater plan that I don't even know about yet. And that sort of excites me!

 

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

- Hebrews 11:1

 

P.S. If our expectations are about the great things God is doing, we will certainly not be disappointed.

Strength

For many people, we have this inherent need to understand. Why are things the way they are? How does that work? Can you please explain? It's probably the biggest thing I wrestle with in my faith. It's not enough sometimes for me to hear someone say to me: "Well, that's God's will," or  "That's way God wanted it to be." It's hard to understand why God would take us through the unimaginable things that this life can throw at us: hunger, poverty, etc. Yet, every Christian must come to a crossroad where God takes us through the need to understand to the acceptance of not being able to understand. Sometimes He has to take some of us through it a ton of times and sometimes we will like to never get it, but it'll never stop Him from trying!

That's why we should never stop trying to draw near to Him and never stop surrendering our need for understanding. His sacrifice was so big, anything we give Him pales in comparison, but He always wants us to draw our strength in our deepest need.

"In your presence, Lord, I will find my strength, You're the breath in me, You're my everything, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high, all consuming fire, You're my One Desire."- Kari Jobe, One Desire

 
When this song came over my computer just a few minutes ago, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is sometimes how the Spirit speaks to me. Those few lines in the chorus reminded me of whom I draw my strength, when I don't have any left.

This week is going to require great amounts of strength from the depths of my Father's well. I will drink Him in the best I can and leave a little of that need for understanding behind.

Courage and Purpose

I have not ever thought of myself in any way, shape, or form as courageous. In fact, if I am being completely transparent, I most often feel the opposite: cowardly. Over the course of the last two weeks, I have heard people call me that or some form of it. I was sure others would see my recent decisions as rash, crazy, even illogical, but by and large, it's been quite the contrary. People who know me well, as well as people I have just met, have spoken this over me, so I guess there has to be some sort of merit to it right?

So here, I am going to do the proverbial writer's trick, tell you what a word means and then dissect it. Please bear with me.

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.

Whoa! I would be lying if that didn't hit the "nail on the head"! If for some reason over my last few posts, you feel like I have gotten some kind of greater grasp on the things I am writing about, well think again. This whole process has been completely frightening, but I do know that amidst the uncertainty- there is a still small voice- repair and restoring the way I think about myself.

Courage requires confidence. A confidence that I didn't know that I had in me. That most of us don't realize we have in us. That comes from who we know God is and who God says we are. 

Last night, I started a project that I felt was a necessary foundation for the next steps of my life. I have seen several of my friends drawing out scriptures with words and illustrations, so I thought I would try it. I'm no artist by any means, but words, I can do words. 

Who God Says I Am: A Word Picture

 

 

What's funny is that the more I wrote, the more confident I became, because I began to believe and understand more what those words meant. It's a living document that will be added onto for I'm sure a long time to come. I'm also working on a Who God Is: Word Picture Too... that to be shared later.:)

 

I'm happy to report that I think that I have an eye on my next steps as far as ministry and vision: homelessness. God has really been opening my heart to this ministry and group of people. I'm excited to begin working with H.E.A.R.T.S Across Atlanta, as well as hopefully begin volunteering with another local non-profit that is close to my family's heart that deals with transitioning families out of homelessness through a variety of programs called Rainbow Village. I'm anxious to learn more about where my niche is in a non-profit setting and hopefully step forward into a non-profit future long-term later.

God is definitely up to something! I am so thankful for all of you and for all the prayers. I am truly blessed beyond measure and I hope that you can find your inner confidence to be courageous. It takes courage to be who God calls you to be and you got it in you!