Gratefulness in Spirit

So, 2013. Wow! It's been amazing, wonderful journey. A crazy, wild ride for sure- but one, that I wouldn't take back. I've the learned the joy of friendship and family, the faithfulness of God, and humility of spirit. Taking every day as it comes and rejoicing in my blessings. God's purpose still isn't clear, but I'm hopeful. More hopeful than ever that the steps that were made this year- the path that was taken will be instrumental in the year ahead.

Thank you to all of you who loved and supported me, prayed for me and listened to me- even read my illustrious blog. I am humbled beyond measure- I only hope that I can and have done the same for you.

Gratefulness fills my spirit as 2013 is in my rear view and 2014 takes it's place on the road ahead. May this next year be as hopeful and as prosperous as ever for you and yours- may God's blessings abound!  Love to you all!

Hard Work and Free Time

Did you miss me? I know it's been forever since I last posted. The last few months since I started my data entry position have been a whirlwind and uber busy. I knew that this time would be one of hard work and that it has been. It has left me very little time to write, which I have desperately missed.

Since beginning this last job, I have also started working as a substitute teacher two days a week. These two jobs have taken all the energy out of me- for the first time in my working career, I'm not a salaried employee. So that means, if I don't work, I don't get paid. I don't have the usual time off for the Holidays and wow, both of those things have brought me to a place of extreme humility and gratefulness. Just as God intended.

I am blessed beyond measure- that I know for sure. Every time I get discouraged- I try to remember His Faithfulness- when I do- it often brings me to tears. I have a small group that I love, old friends and family that I have reconnected with- plus the numerous time He has provided for me financially over the last few months. Although, I haven't found a new church home, I know that something that awaits in 2014, plus a renewed search for the job/purpose God has brought me home for.

In 2014, my focus will be outward- towards serving my community, family, and friends. To share in my own way, the great things He has done for me. Many blessings for you in the New Year- Praying for All God's Goodness to Shine Down on You!-

Grace and Faithfulness

It's funny how we go through phases. Phases where every moment is a realization of God's infinite grace for us, then others where we don't spend as much time as we should drawing into God. Even in those times, His grace is evident. 

Grace. If you are a believer, you know that grace is an intricate part of His character and it is the reason you were able to come to believe. But how many of us really knows what it means to experience grace as an extension of that initial act of the cross that Christ took on for us? Isn't that just what grace is though? That single act? Everything we are and do are extensions of that first act of grace. It has nothing to do with our behavior or bargaining skills. 

To be honest with you, this week, I haven't been in the Word as much as I should have been. Then again, though, that is a behavior that I put on myself. Yes,  God wants to spend time with me and wants me to draw near to Him, but my faith in Him is not dependent on that. And yet, despite all of the behaviors that I didn't do that I put in my box of behaviors of a 'good Christian', His grace and my favorite thing about God appeared: His faithfulness. 

Just when the money was about to run out, the worry was mildly creeping into my spirit, He provided me with a job. With a prospect of two actually, but one definite. How great is that?!
The job I begin on Monday is at a Distribution Company for various international products. I will be utilizing my online and writing skills to begin work on their various websites to update and improve product descriptions. It's different, yes, but it encompasses so many things that I love and that I do well. The job may be temporary or long term, but that is for God to determine, because I kind of like when He does the unexpected! 

Then on Friday, I got a call from a local university about an on-call position at their library for nights and weekends. I hope to hear from them next week for an interview. 

God did all this without me. He doesn't need me, but by grace He has chosen me to step into a new path. Thank you all for your prayers and keep them coming as continue to transition to being at home, finding a church, and beginning this new path. You all are amazing. 

The Moments in Between

It's been a while, huh?! Well, I guess it seems like much longer than I guess it has been. Where to begin?

This past week and weekend has reminded me of just how very faithful God is to all of us who trust and believe in this faithfulness. I was able to finally rent out my house, which was a huge blessing for me this month with my savings nearly depleted and no interviews as of yet. Many times throughout these last few months I have wondered where the money will come for various things, but I never doubted that it would be rented. I had peace about that among the other chaos that my life is currently in. Which was a tremendous blessing!

Despite the weeks upon end of specific cover letter writing, resume crafting, application completion, certificate purchasing (and finally completing- I am now Certified Media Specialist in Georgia!), networking events, and every other thing you can imagine regarding job searching circa 2013, I am starting to understand this part of the journey. I am developing confidence in myself, awareness of my abilities, and my presence. My passion to serve has come alive and I have become far less selfish with my time. Volunteering has been an integral part of my weekly schedule and I look forward to it. I have become intrigued with the past and delving into my family history has become so exciting. God is teaching me to enjoy the moments in this journey. 

Today, though, another reminder of God's love for my family and I, is evident in a precious little baby girl who turned one today. My sister is the amazing mother that I always knew she would be and Julia Sue, well, you all know that I am smitten with her (along with the rest of my family). She has changed our lives in amazing ways and through this past year she is evidence of God's faithfulness to those who love Him. 

So, this is me still resting, waiting, and even more hopeful because doors I can't see are getting ready to open. Opportunities are waiting for me behind them and I am enjoying getting there. These are the promises of those who wait on Him. 

Thank Me, Pilgrim!

I've noticed something about myself, perhaps something that I have known all along, but never really dealt with how to release myself from it. It's the need for busy-ness. I feel that I can only feel accomplished in a day if the task on my do list are ticked off and I've been "doing stuff", especially when there is this worldly pressure that I should be doing way more than I am.

Every day, I wake up and think: now, what will I accomplish today. Into my sixth week of unemployment with the daily applications, several times a week networking, and still nothing, I wonder how anyone can be content with this road. Yet, despite the enormous amount of pressure I feel from those around me and most importantly me (believe me I am the worst), I hear God whispering rest. Take each day and the things I put on your heart and do them. At night before you sleep, even if you don't have a job yet, reflect on the things that you have done, big and small and be thankful.

Thank Me that I am teaching you to trust me in every moment.
Thank Me that you are seeing how very present I am.
Thank Me for being the one who fulfills every moment and ordains everything in the perfect time.
Thank Me for allowing you the courage to take this risk. Thank me for rising you out of the ordinary.
Thank Me for growing you even when you don't realize it and don't see it.
Thank Me for preparing you for a future much different than you imagined.
Thank Me for allowing your gifts to surface and your passion ignite.
Thank Me for things happening today, just as I intended.

My sweet friend sent me a message this morning- a quote from Brennan Manning that was right on target:

 

"The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”

 

God has signaled me into this movement and phase, maybe He's signaling you and you don't even realize it. So often God speaks to us in a small voice that we can only recognize as His because it is contrary to what everything around us is saying. So, lay your head down tonight and say thank you, thank you for anything so that your spirit can be one that acknowledges that it is He who is the Center. We're not going to be perfect at it, but there is grace in that.

 

Blessings on you all.

 

 

Permission to Rest

A wise friend of mine told me today, that it was okay to slack off for a day. That was exactly what I needed to hear since I was feeling especially unaccomplished today. 

I have made it a goal to apply for or to do at least one thing job related a day. If you have been looking for a job at all lately, you realize that applying for one job a day is a task in of itself. Monday and Tuesday, amidst applying for other jobs, I worked on a resume for non-profit work- a specific job that I felt sure that I had an edge on. Only come to find out they are not hiring for the position right now. Well, mark that off my list for now...

Yesterday, I attended a job fair. Those of you that know me, know that talking to people that I don't know, in uncomfortable surroundings, well, makes me a little anxious. It seems as though, these days, you have to go and meet people to get even a foot in the door. So I went, with many of your prayers, which were greatly appreciated, and exceeded my goal of meeting with more than five vendors. I followed up on some leads and applied for a few more temporary positions yesterday afternoon and evening, then one this morning. 

Writing this all down, it is good, it makes me realize I actually have done something today, this week. So even when it seems like the pickings are slim for work to be done, give yourself permission to rest. The rest times make the horizon ahead seem more bearable, this mile of life's journey filled with possibility. It makes you realize that something good is coming. The good things God is preparing you for in the mean time. 

Possibilities and Positivity

The Honeymoon is over. 

The thrill of moving and getting settled in a new routine, well I'm over it. I'm over the unscheduled days and my empty wallet. It's easy to be open to possibility and be positive- Initially. But what about over the long haul? 

I am realizing the greater need for my time in the Word and in prayer. It has become an essential part of my sanity. In a time when uncertainty is in every second, the Lord provides peace. There becomes less worry- of which I am known for. In every second, I sit and write and read, a peace essentially laid upon me. I am in my zone. This is a constant practice though, not one that my earthly spirit is akin to and its a second by second battle. 

Today, I read my Joyce Meyer devotional and it focused on our need to carry burdens or to do lots of "work". The verse was from Numbers and God is speaking to Moses about letting Him share the burden:

" I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the Power of the Spirit that is on You and out it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that  you will not carry it alone." -Numbers 11:17

God can carry our burdens, but we have to release them to Him. That for me is the very struggle that God is taking me through. So, since my head knowledge became heart knowledge, His truth is taking root. The truth about appreciating the person God made me to be and the grace to make mistakes. 

On the job front, lots of doors opening to possibilities. Please pray for peace in each step and the Will of God to become evident to me. Thank you for sharing in my journey. 

________________________________________________________________________
Aside:

I might just turn into a blogging queen. Well, maybe not queen, but princess status for sure. During a relaxing weekend in the mountains, my brother and I came up with an idea for another blog about hiking. Now, I, being the writer and a fairly novice outdoorsman  wanted to funnel my brother's extensive hiking knowledge and passion into a service of some kind for other hikers. 

Like I said, I am not the outdoorsman that I would like to be, but my brother and I enjoy exploring the North Georgia Mountains together when we can. When I suggested the blog, he instantly became excited about it. We spent the better part of our Saturday hike on Big Cedar Mountain discussing titles and names, as well as discussing what we would include on it. 

Now, I won't abandon my current blog, but I am excited about my new endeavor with my brother. Stay tuned for information about that. Well, that being said I guess I better get my hiking shoes on!

Reset

So, I have to admit something to you. The last week or so, I have succumbed to discouragement and disillusionment more times than I would like to admit. The honeymoon is over. Money is running out, so therefore, I am running out of time.  It's not like I've just been sitting around, I have been busy and working hard at finding a job, it's just not happening the way I had planned, thought, or envisioned it.

If you notice, the pronoun "I" was used quite frequently in that entire last paragraph. There's the problem, I've become frustrated, annoyed, worried, fearful, and most any other word you can think of like it that it's become about what "I" can do within my power and less about what God can do. In order to switch the focus from me, God was directing me to a reset. Resetting my eyes on my goals and more importantly Him.

Several of my friends have been posting things on Facebook called scripture doodles, which are basically rewriting the scripture, but adding pictures and doodles to it. First, I thought it was just cool, but then I began doing it. It's much more powerful than I realized. You are thinking about each and every word in the scripture, all the while God is revealing deeper meaning and the words then come alive.

I have done two more general scripture doodles on the past few weeks about Who God Is and Who I am, taking various scriptures and adding to them as I read the Word. Today, I read two very separate Scriptures, one from Psalms and one from Ezekiel. It's only now that I am looking at my completed scripture doodles, that I realize how closely related they are to me and to my current situation. I love it when God works that way. Now, I'm no artist, but here you go:

 

In continuously surrendering and letting go of what I can do, I can let the Spirit lead me where ever He would have me go. It's funny how we think it's funny that God reveals Himself in a certain way, when He really has no limits. If you need a reset, don't be afraid to take it, it will prove God faithful and your spirit will be renewed to continue on your journey.

 

Thank you for your continued prayers. They are much appreciated and may God Bless you on your journey as well.

Bittersweetness

It's been a few days since I posted- visiting with family and friends- but still I head to bed tonight with mixed emotions.

Tomorrow, my fellow teachers head back to the school to begin preparing for a new school year. It feels weird to not be preparing too. I wonder about who will take my place, how she will care for the library that I built, if she will think I did a good job, and most importantly what my kids will say when I'm not the one that greets them in the library next week? Will they think that I abandoned them? No doubt they will be upset, but then the new babies won't even know me. These are the thoughts that are racing through my head tonight. For those of you picking up the pieces, please know I did the best that I could and thank you for being my teachers.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that my decision was the right one. New possibilities are opening up all around me, but it just became real. It's bittersweet really, but I am extremely grateful. Grateful for the end of a journey and the in-between is becoming sweeter, because I am finally at a place where I am becoming confident in who I am.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have been given by all the teachers, students, administrators, and colleagues. I could never say that enough. My heart has been filled in ways I could never imagine. I will be praying for you daily as you settle in for the next leg of the race. Much love to you all!

Head to Heart

For those you that have had part in my glorious journey in this life, I am incredibly thankful to God for you all. You have had part in the laying of the groundwork for this very day. I cannot question the past and God's indelible hand on it. I also cannot question my incredible quest to know God and have a relationship with Him.

For many of you, you know that I have been in church since birth. I have always found my place there and in anything relating to the knowledge of Him. On the outside, I have been the sweet, nice, Christian girl my entire life. I know the Word and in some part of me believed in it all too.

In the last five years, God has been pressing on my heart to know Him and develop a relationship with Him. I have been resistant, afraid of what it looks like to completely give my life away. I have been convincing myself that I did have a relationship with Him, when all that I really have had is knowledge of Him.

So this morning, as I read my Newspring Devotional-
http://newspring.cc/blog/devotionals/knowing-him/

It talked about a man named Cornelius, who was very religious, generous, and prayerful, but did not God in his heart. That there was a man, Peter, who came and preached to him and He began to know Him.

If that wasn't enough, I then watched a video of my Pastor's wife's salvation story:
http://newspring.cc/blog/stories/lucretia-noble/

She talked about how much she knew the bible, who God was, but that she didn't know Him in her heart.

That was all I needed today. I prayed the prayer that I have prayed what seems like a thousand times before, but today was different. I was certain of the date that my head knowledge became imbedded in my heart- August 7, 2013.

I have served in the ministry for most of my life, but today it became real. If I have ministered to you sometime in my life, I must press upon you, my ministering came from the Word and it's indelible truth. God has been using me, even in my head knowledge. Thank you all for sharing a part in the journey- I am grateful that God has placed such an indelible hand on my life and the path up until this date.

The song that comes to mind is Britt Nicole's All This Time:

"All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooh, oh, oohh
Ooh, oh, oohh
You've been walking with me all this time"

My prayer journal is full of Yays!!

Meh

Today was meh. I heard that word "meh" on a tv show and thought it aptly described this day.  Though it is not a word in the dictionary, one can only guess what that may mean, but I describe it as nothing happened or is happening that particularly excites me. We've all had "meh" days, when whatever we had planned, it happened on much less grandeur scale, if at all. 

Often times, I get harangued about not being a planner. I've come to realize that this is why: plans often disappoint me. I place expectations in plans that may not be met and therefore I become frustrated. So it occurred to me today in the complete "meh" moments of life, even when I don't want to, that I have to redirect that expectation to the ultimate planner. He already knows the plan for every second of my life so why do I need to plan for it and ultimately be upset about the way I thought things should be.

Frustration and disappointment also make way for something much bigger- growth and dependence on Him. Every time I say or think the words I can't, I'm not, or I don't know how, it's an opportunity for my Father to break down the walls and draw me in.

So, it's okay to have "meh" days, be frustrated and disappointed, for they all work out for the greater plan that I don't even know about yet. And that sort of excites me!

 

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

- Hebrews 11:1

 

P.S. If our expectations are about the great things God is doing, we will certainly not be disappointed.

Strength

For many people, we have this inherent need to understand. Why are things the way they are? How does that work? Can you please explain? It's probably the biggest thing I wrestle with in my faith. It's not enough sometimes for me to hear someone say to me: "Well, that's God's will," or  "That's way God wanted it to be." It's hard to understand why God would take us through the unimaginable things that this life can throw at us: hunger, poverty, etc. Yet, every Christian must come to a crossroad where God takes us through the need to understand to the acceptance of not being able to understand. Sometimes He has to take some of us through it a ton of times and sometimes we will like to never get it, but it'll never stop Him from trying!

That's why we should never stop trying to draw near to Him and never stop surrendering our need for understanding. His sacrifice was so big, anything we give Him pales in comparison, but He always wants us to draw our strength in our deepest need.

"In your presence, Lord, I will find my strength, You're the breath in me, You're my everything, with my heart bowed low and my hands held high, all consuming fire, You're my One Desire."- Kari Jobe, One Desire

 
When this song came over my computer just a few minutes ago, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is sometimes how the Spirit speaks to me. Those few lines in the chorus reminded me of whom I draw my strength, when I don't have any left.

This week is going to require great amounts of strength from the depths of my Father's well. I will drink Him in the best I can and leave a little of that need for understanding behind.

Courage and Purpose

I have not ever thought of myself in any way, shape, or form as courageous. In fact, if I am being completely transparent, I most often feel the opposite: cowardly. Over the course of the last two weeks, I have heard people call me that or some form of it. I was sure others would see my recent decisions as rash, crazy, even illogical, but by and large, it's been quite the contrary. People who know me well, as well as people I have just met, have spoken this over me, so I guess there has to be some sort of merit to it right?

So here, I am going to do the proverbial writer's trick, tell you what a word means and then dissect it. Please bear with me.

Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.

Whoa! I would be lying if that didn't hit the "nail on the head"! If for some reason over my last few posts, you feel like I have gotten some kind of greater grasp on the things I am writing about, well think again. This whole process has been completely frightening, but I do know that amidst the uncertainty- there is a still small voice- repair and restoring the way I think about myself.

Courage requires confidence. A confidence that I didn't know that I had in me. That most of us don't realize we have in us. That comes from who we know God is and who God says we are. 

Last night, I started a project that I felt was a necessary foundation for the next steps of my life. I have seen several of my friends drawing out scriptures with words and illustrations, so I thought I would try it. I'm no artist by any means, but words, I can do words. 

Who God Says I Am: A Word Picture

 

 

What's funny is that the more I wrote, the more confident I became, because I began to believe and understand more what those words meant. It's a living document that will be added onto for I'm sure a long time to come. I'm also working on a Who God Is: Word Picture Too... that to be shared later.:)

 

I'm happy to report that I think that I have an eye on my next steps as far as ministry and vision: homelessness. God has really been opening my heart to this ministry and group of people. I'm excited to begin working with H.E.A.R.T.S Across Atlanta, as well as hopefully begin volunteering with another local non-profit that is close to my family's heart that deals with transitioning families out of homelessness through a variety of programs called Rainbow Village. I'm anxious to learn more about where my niche is in a non-profit setting and hopefully step forward into a non-profit future long-term later.

God is definitely up to something! I am so thankful for all of you and for all the prayers. I am truly blessed beyond measure and I hope that you can find your inner confidence to be courageous. It takes courage to be who God calls you to be and you got it in you!

Joy in the Fullest Form

Today was what most people would call ordinary, but as I look back on it there is one thing that stands out- joy- even living in an in-between time- there is joy. I was able to see the joy of my mom as I accompanied her on her Meals on Wheels route. There was joy as we walked and ate lunch together. There was joy in our frustration of how we saw someone being treated. There was joy as we talked to my niece or rather the ceiling via Skype. There was joy in our game of sequence and our cup of tea. There was joy as I took my time preparing resumes.  Joy was abounding in the moments of our lives.

Currently, I am reading "One Thousand Gifts: a word to live... and to die by", by Ann Voskamp during my quiet times with the Lord. Although our lives are vastly different, I find myself thinking, what good friends we might be. The beginning of the book paints a picture of monotony, failure, and all other forms of negativity, but then we delve deeper into a question we all struggle with: How do we fully live as we are fully prepared to die?

Several things struck me as I grazed over the pages of Chapter Two:

"...----- who is born again, but still so much in need of being born anew----give me the details of how to live in the waiting cocoon before forever begins?"

" The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be--- unbelievably possible! the only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now."

I mean, WOW! Who among us has lost touch with joy that was with us at the acceptance of Christ? Who just longs to be renewed in that joy?  If any of you know my story of coming to know Christ, you know that the acceptance came long before the understanding and still longer before knowing the joy of Christ.

So what if the joy is here and now? How do we see it and experience this joy? How do we reunite with it? This journey I am on will surely bring me bits of frustration, anger, and bitterness, but yet still...

You know that old saying that "there's joy in the journey", well I aim to find it. So many of us wait expectantly for joy to come into our lives as if it is something that can only be temporary. I don't believe that's true- even in the midst of mistakes and uncertainty- there is joy. There is joy because Christ is our Joy and He is always with us.

Complete Thankfulness

My mind is swimming with the things that I am learning and screaming about today.  My first screaming moment came from the bureaucracy of job searching. I mean, how many hurdles do you have to go through! The phrase that I muttered under my breath was that this was like an "act of congress" came up more than one time today. My biggest question is: How do you get in the door? You may think you have all your proverbial ducks in a row, but with every application it becomes more tedious. The hours you spend with your neck in literal pain, well they have to pay off somehow, right?

It's hard not to overwhelm with yourself (especially if you are me) with the logical and persistent need to be at your computer searching for jobs AT ALL TIMES. Enjoying and resting in this in between time will soon come to an end, so it's okay to take breaks to get ice cream with your mom or make cookies for your dad.

Then I got to thinking, what if we would make an honest effort in thankfulness? Even in the moments when we are frustrated, we see what is good, beautiful, and perfect, how will that change our trust of God. I've learned that when we trust God with our lives, (some of us are a harder sell), it takes us longer to completely give ourselves over to trusting Him with everything. Posturing a position of total thankfulness in the midst of our most difficult times is not always easy, but it's amazing to see the walls of distrust fall down.

So praise report: I have an appointment on Wednesday to discuss the opportunities available in the non-profit sector. It's a bit of a different direction that I have been on, but I would be remiss not to learn more about this arena of work. In the interim, tutoring is on the table as well, as I flush out all available opportunities. Pray for wisdom and guidance in pursuing these next steps!

Realist vs. Optimist

If you know me personally, you may know that I tend to be a realist. I view things in ways that can be the only logical way to view things. In this realistic point of view, there also tends to be another snafu, which is that I am a female.  These two faction of my personalities are in constant conflict.

I say:
"That's just the way it is. There's no changing that."

Add in my female perspective:
"How can I fix this problem even though it seems un-fixable and probably won't get fixed, but I still have to try?"

All that being said, God can change any realist heart into the heart of optimism, if that person is willing. What seems like a really stupid thing to do and seems logically wrong, God can use to change a person's heart. It might be crazy to quit your job, move back in with your parents (while some would find that shameful, I do not), all without any idea when or where your next income will come. That's what a realist would say- that's what I would say.

Then there is the change that is happening with me- a new boldness- that's what I see this is. It is having the courage to follow God's lead, to fall in behind Him, to let Him take the lead to journey He has called me to in this life. It is in this boldness- I am turning into a peaceful optimist. One who takes the day as it comes- that sees the opportunities abound- one that despite any negative thing that comes their way as an opportunity to try again.

You can't change the way you view the world on your own- no of us can. It is only by grace and a little bit of faith that we can change the way we see the life around us- just one step at a time.

The First Step

So, last week I made a bold decision to leave my job and move home to pursue a new career closer to my family. After a fury of emotions and goodbyes, I am settling in back at home with my parents. I knew that this experience would be a different one, much different than I thought before.

Many people would deem this decision a silly one or even a nerve-wracking one and I'm not going to lie and say I thought that to myself a few times, but the overlying factor is this: I wanted to be bolder and take bigger risk all to follow God's heart.

The pressure is on to rent my house out and find a new job, yet God calls us to enjoy this part of the journey. These parts of the journey call us to draw closer to Him, to depend on Him more. So this blog is going to follow the ups and downs of this journey- long or short- Thank you for tuning in- I know it will one that God will not disappoint in.